Up till now,i am half still in disbelief of what happened today.I cannot say that i am completely calmed now but i feel that if i dont write this down i will self-combust.When it first started i was annoyed then i was upset,then furious then genuinely worried then shocked then really,really sad and now all i feel helpless,listless,__-less. the works.It feels like a small but significant part of me is missing.am trying to be all mature fan girl about this but geez,it is hard.I will try to make myself feel better by writing this,even if it looks like the most pathetic attempt):

Im in no way the biggest 'Hottest' around but god knows i love 2pm.You know,to me what ever happened or what Jay said or didnt say doesnt matter.Heck,it didnt even bother me at all.Now that i think about it,im not even as furious at the mafia gang of netizens who have too much hate stuck up their asses as before.On the way home,after Van called me to say what happened and after Jane's text,surprisingly i wasnt thinking about 2pm's future activities or what not.What affected me more was what Jay was going through.Being attacked with such despicable comments by a bunch of beings that have no lives that they find enjoyment in demeaning others.Jay endured 4 days,heck i dont even think i can even handle one ): I kinda realise that 2pm's future is not really important now.Although when i first heard he was going,like everyone else i didnt want it to happen,didnt believe it,wanted KHOTTEST to start a riot at the airport to make sure that plane does not leave,but now as i think again i realise that its best for Jay to go back.At least for me,i wouldnt want one of my favourite entertainers to have to endure that kind of hate and to stay in that condition he was in.Even if he wasnt Park Jaybeom-the gorgeous man that he is,as a human being,i wouldnt want someone to be in that kind of low situation because of what he said on MYSPACE(when has myspace or fb even be considered legit enough to be taken seriously!)Im pretty sure it felt like the entire nation was turning against him,and im damned sure that feeling is not fun.not fun at all.
So i guess,i want Jay to go.I want him to feel better and get healthier in his hometown with his family.That being said,i want him to comeback when he feels as good as new,when he wants to-even if it takes years.Because that kind of talent,should never be wasted even if it was because of words lost in cultural translation.

Im going to go on a whim and say that i still believe Jay will come back when all this dies down and netizens repent their sins or die (doesnt matter,whatever works) I still believe that JYP will use his magic powers and make 2pm full again- with Jay.I still believe that the 2pm we see in Wild Bunny just a week ago will appear in front of our eyes again.If not soon,then later.Doesnt matter,whatever works.I will wait,eventhough i hate waiting because this is something i must wait for.I am not going to hate on people because that will just make me equal to the beings that blew this out of proportion.
Someday,i know i will get to see my favourite beasty brothers up on stage again.
I hope that Taec is okay.(even in times of despair,biasedness is evident.Ah,the human nature)

For now,I think i want to take a break with this fandom thing.Looking back on the whole,It is very exhausting trying to be clear-headed and 'chill' in this godforsaken world of fangirl-ing.I cannot handle all this excessive sadness,heartache or anger now.Will come back to fandom when i feel like it. till then,i will cleanse myself with underground hip hop and uhh..promos.